Apology to lil Wayne fans...

This post is an apology to all the lil Wayne fans who mistakenly find my blog after searching for lil Wayne on Google.

I am not lil Wayne. Matter of fact, I had no idea who lil Wayne was until I did a search on Google myself. Guess what? I too found this website. But, I also found out a lil about lil Wayne.

Apparently he's a young, talented rap artist, with a huge fan base.

I on the other hand, am a big Wayne. I weight around 220, and stand 6'2. I am a white redneck construction worker, who happens to enjoy writing humor articles. Or at least trying to write humor. I prefer rock 'n roll to rap, but have on occasion listened to rap. I can enjoy some Snoop Dogg, Fifty Cent and even some Eminem. Maybe I'll have to give this lil Wayne guy a listen. I just might become his next biggest fan.

If you have reached this site by mistake, you can still take the time to read a few articles, or even leave a comment about how pissed off you are that this site has nothing to do with that other wayne, who apparently is smaller than me.

If you do happen to speak with lil Wayne, let him know that I appreciate his fans as much as he does. Because other than my Mom and my sister, I think only lil Wayne fans frequent this blog. So tell lil Wayne I said thanks.

Also, ask him to send me some tickets to one of his concerts. I might check it out. Or I might sell the tickets on ebay. I could really use the extra cash.

Hey!

Used to attract attention or to express surprise, appreciation,
wonder, or pleasure.

That definition comes from Dictionary.com. Its one definition for the
word hey.

The word hey, used as a greeting, originated in the South. It is now
used throughout the world as a formal greeting, replacing Hi, and the
previously popular head nod.

I use this simple word throughout my day. Sometimes its used as a
greeting, like when I see someone at Wal-Mart I'm supposed to know,
but can't remember their name. "Hey...........neighbor."

Or sometimes I use the word as an expletive, like when someone
pulls out in front of me when I'm racing home to catch the end
of American Idol. "Hey! You......Son of....you..Idiot!!"

Lately, "hey" has taken on a new meaning around the house. It
makes me smile and laugh. It makes me even, a little giddy.
lil' Langley Rae, who turns 14 months old in a few days, has turned
"hey" into a camcorder battery charging event.

Its her new thing. When she sees someone, her arm shoots up in
the air, she smiles really big and then "Heeeeeyyy!!" Its extremely
cute.

The first time she did it, I wasn't sure what she was doing. It looked
like she was paying homage to Hitler. I thought maybe I had left the
television on the History channel.

She even does it to Larry. The dog. He thought it was cute too.
However, he was concerned with the fact that she wasn't wearing pants.

After I considered that fact, I realized it was also my first time to
be greeted with a "Hey" by someone with no pants on. Thankfully, it
was her and not the FedEx guy.

Now that she's mastered this new word, I can't wait until the next
one. Hopefully, it won't be the word I used frequently last Saturday
while I was attempting to fix the lawn mower.

Number One Mom

This weekend is Mother's Day. I'm not one, so its just Sunday.

Actually, its not just another Sunday. I know a few Moms, and two or
three of them are pretty darn special, so I'll be sure to let them
know, come Sunday.

My number one Mom, which happens to be my very own Mom, (I have the
paperwork to prove it, so she can't deny it) is a super lady. By
saying that, I don't mean she wears a cape and flys around saving the
world. Although, I'm sure if the right powers that be asked her to,
she'd give it her best shot. Cape and all.

My Mom tried her best to raise me right, so its not her fault that I'm
a little warped and still immature at the age of thirty-three. She's
still trying to "straighten me out" to this day. I however, still
remain as crooked as a clothesline in a thunderstorm.

Sometimes I wonder why she still keeps me around, and lets me visit,
then I remember, I still owe her money.

One of my Mom's best assets, other than me, is her ability to cook.
Her homemade buttermilk biscuits will make the milk glad it went bad.
Her biscuits will make butter thankful to be butter and gravy,
well,...just gravy.

Yesterday, I ate supper at a friends parents house. His Dad said the
"blessing" before we ate. He used the word "sanctify". "Lord, please
sanctify our food." I thought I knew the meaning of the word, but
asked him anyway. He said he was asking the Lord to bless our food.
So, this is the new word I shall use to describe my Mom's biscuits.
They're sanctified!

Another great asset my Mom has is forgiveness. For instance, when I
was a younger man out mowing the grass and accidentally ran over some
of her flowers with the mower. To me, they appeared to be weeds. No
presence of actual flowers. She informed me that this particular
flower only bloomed once a year. I said, well then its 99% weed. She
informed me I was wrong, and then...forgave me.

Mom also has been blessed with tubs full of patience. Mom has two men
in her life that she loves. Me and my Dad. She's been waiting for
years for both of us to grow up and "behave". She's still waiting. But
she also forgives us. I think.

My Mom is strong. She easily bench presses two eighty-five. No, not
really. By strong, I mean enduring. And by enduring I mean strong. By
strong, I mean she can probably take me in arm wrestling. But what I
really mean is she never gives up. She always loves. She's the only
person in the world, no matter when I call, she always sounds excited
to hear from me. I can't say that about most women that know me. Damn
Caller ID!!

On this Mothers Day, I hope my Mom knows how much I appreciate her. I
hope she knows how much I love her, and I hope she has twenty bucks
she can loan me.

Power Outage

We had a bad thunderstorm last week. Our electricity was knocked out
for three days. My roommate Mike and I had nothing to do, no video
games, and no tv. So, we sat around and read books by candlelight. I
read War and Peace, and Mike read Green Eggs and Ham.

Late into the afternoon on the third day without electricity, the
power came back on. Mike jumps up from the recliner, runs down the
hallway and slams the door behind him as he rushes into the bathroom.
He stays in there for almost an hour. Finally, sweating and pale, he
emerges and sits back in the recliner.

Curious, I asked him, "Man, are you okay? Did you get sick or something?"

He says, "Naw man, I just really had to GO! I've been holding it for
three days!"

"What? Why would you that? You scared to go to the bathroom in the dark?"

"Naw man, you're silly! You know the commode won't flush when the
electricity is out!"

Later that week, Mike went out to a local construction site and stole
one of those port-a-toilets. He took everything out of his closet and
stuck it in there. It was actually a perfect fit. Now he's prepared
for the next power outage.