Sometimes when we touch.....

....it's in the lyrics to some song. What song? I don't know. But for some reason, this song I don't know, has been bouncing around in my head like a crack-head in a church pew.

I hate when songs get stuck in my head, especially when I only know a word or two of the song. Now, if a Guns 'n Roses song was stuck up there, I'd be okay. I know the words. But when its a song you don't know, or don't know all of.....it's frustrating.

It's just a silly game our brain plays on us. Like our brain has its own MP3 player, but the playlist only has slogans from TV commercials, or short lyrics from tacky songs. No, not a cool song like the Black-Eyed Peas, "Let's Get it Started", but the Barney song, "I love you, you love me,........let's get....what? family. love. AAAAaaHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG!!

Just the other day, the phrase, "Mayonnaise and mustard, on a pickle...i love it.." kept flowing out of my mouth like, well, mayonnaise and mustard on a pickle.

I don't even think its a real song. Maybe I heard it somewhere, I don't know. But by the end of the work day, every guy working around me went home singing the same phrase, "mayonnaise and mustard....."

...on a pickle


....i love it.....

Three Days until Valentines Day.........

Or, "on Seynt Valentynes day,/Whan every foul cometh there to chese [choose] his make [mate]."

Written by Geoffrey Chaucer, the guy thought to have first linked the saint's day with the custom of choosing sweethearts.

Did you read that first line? When every foul cometh......what? We got Valentines Day from this gibberish? It sounds to me like this guys buddies should have waited until he sobered up to ask him what he meant.

"You want us to buy chocolates and flowers for our sweethearts? Write poetry and buy them skimpy potato sack garments?"

"No, you idiots! I said, 'on Saint Valentines day, I ate some fowl [duck]and cheese and now I need to make it [to the toilet]! You guys are morons, you mean to tell me that while I was passed out drunk, the mayor declared a holiday based on what I said in a drunken stupor? I
have a terrible hangover, a splitting headache, I'm pretty sure I slept with Ulois, the hag from the pub, and now I have to round up some chocolate and flowers for the wife?

Do you guys realize you'll probably have to have sex with your wives tonight? You may even have to talk to them.

What if this holiday actually catches on around the world? Do you realize how many guys will despise me? Do you know how many depressed women will eat bon bons and ice cream on this day if they don't have a mate? Do you realize how many Hallmark shops will spring up in
mini-malls around the country?"

"What's a mini-mall?"

"I don't know, I'm just trying to make a point. Don't you guys realize that a monster has been created that will spread throughout this world like an e coli bacteria on a all-you-can-eat buffet? How can we get out of this dreadful day? Can we get the Mayor to call the whole thing
off? Can we just move to Antartica?"

"How 'bout we start up a chocolate factory?"

"What the hell are you talkin' 'bout? A chocolate factory? I'm discussing serious matters here, and you're going on about a tasty treat...........hey, wait a minute.......

Genius!! Maybe a flower shop too! Boys, we're in business!"

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Four days to Valentines Day.......

Or, I wonder if diet pills are a bad gift. Its hard to know what a
good gift is. Sure, you can go with the basic heart shaped box of
chocolate and a bouquet of flowers, but that's just so.....easy.
Yeah, maybe I'll just do that.

I'm not buying anything this year, but if I were, I believe I'd have
to put more thought into it than just your basic flowers or
chocolate. How about new spark plugs and wires for your car? That's
a gift that just keeps on giving! Buy now at AutoZone, and get a
free keychain! Not only is it a keychain, but you can also use it to
gauge the plugs before you put them in! What a bargain!!

There's a '74 Chevrolet pick-up full of websites out there that will
tell you what the perfect gift is. "A heart shaped diamond
necklace!", "A red rose for every month/year you've been
together!", "A plush teddy bear that will record your own message to
that special someone!" (i'm not giving her a talking doll that could
later turn into Chucky!) "A massaging, pulsating foot spa!"

Foot spa? Everyone I know has one of these things in their closet.
Still in the original box. Still with some of the gift wrapping
paper on it. They tore off just enough of the paper to see what it
was, realized what it was, and kindly said, "Oh, you shouldn't have.
Really."

Trust me when I say this, one day, one of us will receive that same
exact foot spa for a gift.

Knowing what the perfect gift is, is really not that important.
What's really important is showing her how you feel. Show her you're
really sincere about your feelings. Make sure you communicate. And
always, always, tell her she's beautiful right before you ask her to
make you a sandwich and bring you a beer. Always.

Its always about the communication. Every girlfriend I've ever had,
always said, "Dave, you just don't communicate enough."

"But...."

"Oh, shut up!"

So guys, and gals, the best gift you can give this year to
your "snuggle bunny" is the gift of communication. Let out your
feelings. Send them an email.

Buggy on Down

Going to the grocery store is one of my favorite things to do, not my favorite favorite, but close. My favorite thing of course, is taking the trash out at six a.m., on a blistering cold Monday morning.

Grocery shopping to me, is an adventure. Like the Navy. Since its an adventure, you have to be prepared. The first thing you have to decide is which store you will be shopping. You can't just go to the closest one. Who is having the best sale? Which store is having double coupon
day? Does Wal-Mart have your favorite toilet paper on sale, or Piggly Wiggly? You have to be picky. Choose your store wisely. You have to be prepared. Running off to the grocery store unprepared would be like going to a family reunion without a casserole.

Pick up a newspaper. Look through the sales ads. "Hey ketchup is on sale!" "We don't need ketchup." "But it's on sale!" "Okay, get two!"

Once you get to the store, you have to get out your list. What list? The shopping list of course! The list you made before you left the house of the things you need. Without a list, you'd be out of control, like a lady in a shoe store. You'd get home with fourteen bags of potato chips, a loaf of bread, pack of bologna, and two cases of beer. That's not acceptable! (unless you're a single male, then by all means, carry on soldier!)

Okay, you're at the store, with your list, and you've already test-driven twenty-three buggies. You've cut the best one from the herd, and you're ready to ride, er, I mean shop.

The perfect buggy (shopping cart to you non-Southerners) must not have out of control, spinning wheels. All wheels must touch the ground. At the same time. It's also helpful if
the handlebar has one of those coupon holders on it. Not for me and you personally, but for the little old lady that makes us wait in line through two presidential terms, so she can dig out her coupons hoping to save sixty-four cents.

Driving, not pushing, the buggy is the most important and pleasurable part of the whole shopping experience. (I wish they had them at malls) Why is the buggy important? Well, it has wheels and a handlebar. And,....and, it has that little bar down by your feet. Place one or
two feet here for a truly enjoyable ride, ...er, shopping adventure.

You see, it can be so much fun simply because some of us, let's face it, are getting older, and we probably don't own anything at home that possesses a handlebar and wheels. If we do, we probably also have a spouse that won't let us go near that "DEATH TRAP!" Unless of course,
that device happens to be a lawnmower, then by all means, climb aboard, stay......aboard.

Okay, you've got your buggy. Your sweating palms are gripping the handlebar, knuckles turning white. Adrenaline is pumping through your body, and leaking out your eyes. The hair on your neck is standing tall, and then suddenly, out of the corner of your eye, you see a green flag waving, and you're off!!

Well, turns out, that wasn't a green flag waving, just some green peppers. So, you start off slow. Some milk over here, jelly over there, a little pop-up wheelie in the meat department, some cookies, and peanut butter. Next thing you know, you're flying down the cookie and cereal aisle, both feet planted up on the buggy, hair flying out behind you, eyes watering, Fruity Pebbles fly past on the right, Fig Newtons race by on the left, you're really flying. Then you reach the
end of the aisle, you try to take the turn on two wheels, and OH NO! Who put that huge display of cream corn right in the way?.... Hey, two for a dollar!

You'll see people in the store for an hour, but they'll only have two items in the buggy. Why? The driving experience! Driving with no remorse, cutting people off, swerving in the other lane, passing in a narrow aisle, and speeding. How do they get away with this? No grocery buggy police! Wouldn't that be cool? A buggy with red and blue lights in the grill. Instead of guns, the cops would carry really powerful magnets, that could stop your buggy cold from ten feet away! The cop writes you a ticket for speeding. No fine, you just have to stand,
with your two"buy one, get one free" items, in the longest checkout line in the store. No
express lane for you!

One area of buggy driving that remains the same as street driving is when its a couple. The guy is pushing the buggy, but he knows he has no buggy control. She's telling him, "Go this way, come over here, stop right there, speed up, slow down, STOP RIDING UP ON MY HEELS!!"
He's driving with his head hanging down, but if you watch him closely, you'll see him do a little pop-up wheelie when she's not looking, and at the corner of his mouth, a smile.

Going to the grocery store doesn't have to be a chore. Make it fun, do like me, buy your own personal buggy. With chrome wheels.

Valentines Day is only five days away!!

Or, I could use another beer. I've heard people say that the chocolate factories and flower conglomerate are the original creators and instigators of the original Valentines Day. Protect the bottom line, right? Create a day where men are almost required to buy their significant other some sort of treat. Or present. Its like a one day sale for a get out of jail free card.

Back in elementary school Valentines Day was different. You would just go to the local supermarket with your parents and pick out a box of valentines featuring your favorite cartoon character. Me, I always got Snow White. .....What? She's hot!

Once you got home, you would get out your list of names from your class. Every name on the list gets a valentine from you. Even the teacher, the awful Mrs. Crabnacker, who unknown to her, in the teachers lounge every afternoon, her colleagues were placing bets on
just how many hairs she could grow out of that mole on her chinny,
chin, chin.

The best part was, your name was on everyone else's list, so you get a bag full of valentines too! I remember I got one from this girl named Sheila. On the front it had a Care Bear, (yellow I think) and it said, "Will you be my valentine?" Inside flap said, "Mine all mine" and then on the right inside flap, little Sheila had written, "i eat my own boogggrs!"

And I was thinking, well you obviously don't eat all of them, you left one right where you awkwardly signed your name---shilje!

I still treasure that moment. It was the first time a female had shown real interest in me. Little Sheila, being so unselfish.

Now I treasure Valentines Day, look forward to it actually. No matter how many times I move and change addresses, its always there. Every year in the mailbox, a valentine from lil' Sheila. Still says the same thing, still shares her DNA.---- Postmarked Angola Prison, mental ward.