Par for the Toad

Well, its in the news, so it must be true. David Tollner, a member for
the Northern Territory seat of Solomon, in Australia, stated that
"Australians in the country's Northern Territory should start smashing
cane toads to death with golf clubs and cricket bats in a bid to stop
the spread of the toxic creatures."

Yes, you read that correctly. If you're out golfing, or playing
cricket, or just casually strolling along the outback while armed with
a Louisville Slugger, and you happen upon a cane toad, you should
immediately commence to beating the living daylights out of said toad.

Apparently, cane toads are toxic. So toxic in fact, if a crocodile or
dingo ate one, it would die within fifteen minutes from cardiac
arrest. Poor crocodile has been sticking to his Atkins Diet for four
years now, looking fit, feeling firm, avoiding cholesterol, and yet
still has to go out like this. Massive heart failure.....from a little
toad. Can you imagine how the other crocodiles would talk about him
behind his back?

"Yesterday I ate a water buffalo, a kangaroo, some guy named Steve
Erwin, and a poodle. I never even had the farts. This one here eats
a little brown toad, and suddenly he's a pair of boots and matching
wallet. Wuss."

Tollner, has his opposition. No, not PETA, but the RSPCA, Royal
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The Royal toad
savers. Maybe toads really do turn into princes after all.

The RSCPA wants to freeze the toads to death instead of bashing
their heads in with a 9 iron. Freezing, apparently is more humane.
But not however, fun.

According to the news report, "the toad population is steadily
marching toward the territory's tropical capital city of Darwin". I'm
sure that's a terrifying sight. I've seen toads hop. I've seen them
walk and scurry. Even seen them swim before they had legs, as
tadpoles. I've never seen one march. (well once, but that was in
Washington D.C., and it had purpose)

I'm surprised Osama bin Laden hasn't jumped on this golden
opportunity. Come on! Millions of marching, pissed off, toxic toads!
You know they're pissed off. Their own government is about to pass a
law to make it legal for people to randomly wack them in the head
with a Titliest putter. Then there's all that marching.
A smart, frugal, entrepreneurial terrorist, could really wreak havoc
with say, a boatload, or backpack full of pissed off, marching,
toxic toads.

Cane toads now number in the millions in Australia, so I'm sure the
sale of golf clubs and cricket bats will skyrocket. And maybe rain
suits also. Because surely, if you have a good swing, and you put your
shoulders into it, that toad is just going to make a mess...

Frogs and toads have always gotten a bad rap. First it was warts,
now heart attacks. What's next? Pick up a toad, and suddenly you're
struck with a permanent obsession to watch the Lifetime channel?
When does it stop?

Apparently on the eighteenth green.